


Wait, that's not what happened... Mambo #1

by MajorTrouble, Sternenstaub



Series: Mambo #5 [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Half orgy, Libraries, M/M, Make Out Session, Mango #1, Not Even I Know, Speed Dating, Will they fall in love?, ch3 is the make out session, dating show, kissing and grinding, non explicit make out session
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:20:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28656363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorTrouble/pseuds/MajorTrouble, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sternenstaub/pseuds/Sternenstaub
Summary: Jaskier signed up for a dating show where he meets Yennefer. They're both rather unhappy about the circumstances but find comfort in each other.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Jaskier | Dandelion/Priscilla, Lambert/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Triss Merigold/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Series: Mambo #5 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2100123
Comments: 26
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story for a collaborative writing game, so if you like dating shows, stay tuned on the whole series.
> 
> The first part, aka the introduction to the world was written by MajorTrouble

Jaskier looked around the green room nervously. He was used to being the centre of attention, but this was different. Essi had convinced him to fill in the online profile for the dating game show - Pick and Choose - whilst they were both completely wasted. It had been fun, ridiculous even, as he’d ticked all the little boxes denoting his likes and dislikes. They’d bonded, laughing hysterically as they drank directly from the bottle of rose while writing little essays about such mundane topics as “Your favourite movie and why” and “What is your best childhood memory?” 

To be honest, Jaskier had completely forgotten about that night when, a few months later, a network executive had called him and set up an interview for the gameshow. A panel of bored, smartly-dressed, monochromatic men and women had asked him some standard questions about his life and then some not-so-standard and rather personal questions. He’d answered in his usual way - as flippantly and sarcastically as possible, just shy of being insulting. At the end of the process, convinced he wasn’t going to be their candidate, he’d called Essi and they’d relived that raucous night, drinking the cheapest rose they could find. 

The next morning, amidst a hangover unlike any he’d had since university, Jaskier received confirmation that he would indeed be the next bachelor fielding questions on the most popular dating game show to ever come out of Cintra Studios. 

The clock on the wall above his head wasn’t nearly loud enough to drown out the blood rushing in his ears. He’d already chugged a bottle of water and was currently regretting that choice as his stomach tied itself in knots. He hadn’t been allowed to meet any of the potential matches, but he knew it was an equal group of men and women. He made absolutely no secret of his bisexuality. 

Standing suddenly, he paced around the room several times before forcing himself to sit back down in the beautiful and incredibly uncomfortable brocade armchair. In some distant, detached part of his mind he hoped that the chair on the studio stage was more comfortable. Especially if he was going to be sitting on it for an extended period of time. He ran his hands back through his hair before belatedly realizing he was undoing the hairstylist’s hard work and rubbing his sweating palms on his black jeans instead. 

Finally, after what seemed like a glacial age, the door opened and a harried intern beckoned him to follow her down the corridor. She led him through a twisting series of hallways before they emerged out onto the weirdly familiar set of Pick & Choose. It was strange how different and yet the same it all was. What looked on a TV screen like plush green carpeting was actually astroturf. The sparkling silver letters in the background that heralded the name of the game were dull and the paint slightly flaking. He was ushered into a chair that was set up on what looked like cinder blocks, to be on a level with that of the host. At least it was comfortable - the overstuffed armchair engulfing nearly enveloping him as he sat down. 

Jaskier looked out over the bank of cameras, just able to make out the audience shuffling around in the background. He gulped nervously. How could he forget there were going to be live people here to witness this? 

“It’s okay,” a voice murmured next to him. “You’ll be fine.” He turned to see the host of the show settling into her chair. Despite her warm voice, Tissaia had a severe look about her that challenged anyone to tell her no. Her auburn hair was piled artfully on top of her head, held in place by what Jaskier assumed was magic, as he couldn’t see anything obvious. She was wearing what on anyone else might look ostentatious - a midnight blue pantsuit with white slashes up the thighs - but on her looked regal. Eyes like a hawk pinned him in place, but the look was marred when she winked - winked - at him. 

Needless to say, Jaskier was immediately thrown off balance. He rubbed his hands on his jeans again and swallowed audibly. “Tha - thank-you, Tissaia. I ho - hope so.” 

“I saw the tape of your interview,” she smirked before schooling her face to seriousness. “Don’t disappoint me.”

Before he had time to parse whatever the fuck that meant, the announcer was rambling that the show was about to start, and urged everyone to take their seats. 

“And these are the candidates!” The host led in several women and men, all absolutely breathtaking beautiful, tall and small, skinny and curvy, there were all kinds of people and Jaskier thought every single one of them looked attractive.

Tissaia introduced them to the crowd, and the people in front of the TV, but Jaskier preferred not to think about that part too much. He could feel the blood rushing in his ears and the leftover alcohol didn't make it any better. He was trying his best not to look too uncomfortable or sick and didn't get even one name of the other participants. A part of him wondered why they volunteered for this, were they really looking for true love? Or did they just want to see their face on the TV? 

\---

Yennefer groaned when too bright light hit her eyes, she tried to glare at Renfri but wasn't sure she was even looking in the right direction as blinded as she was. A mean cackle at her left showed her that the recipient at least knew she had been meant.  
Why had she signed up for this absolute joke again? Was she really that easily manipulated? A few glasses of wine and her best friend telling her a show like this would never take her, that Yen would chew the bachelor out and leave him behind, crying. She had laughed but also been hurt a bit, she wasn't that mean, was she? Sure she could be harsh and direct but she wasn't malicious, not often. 

So she had signed up, filled out the forms and waived many more rights than she had been comfortable with and argued over a few more rights she wasn't willing to waive. "No, you're not allowed to film my naked ass, and that's my last word on this." and ended up here.

The bachelor looked like a doe in headlights, slightly pale and sweaty and she could feel her lip curl, that was what they were going to compete over? If she hadn't had such a competitive streak, she would have walked outside right away. But now that she was here, she'd at least last for the first round.

Tissaia, the moderator, introduced them all to the crowd and then the contestants were ushered off like a herd of chickens and given juice packs, "So you won't have a sugar crash later. No food until after the live show is over." A forgettable assistant told them with a patronizing smile. Yennefer bristled, she wasn't a child but still took the juice, this would be a long day.

After maybe 30 minutes someone came and told her it was her turn to get a speed date with the bachelor. She prepared herself for 5 minutes of absolutely boring questions about her life and a man who ogled her body more than listened to her voice.

The bachelor, she had not bothered to remember his name, was sitting on a red chair that looked like a heart and looked decidedly uncomfortable and tired. A small pang of compassion bloomed in her chest. Maybe this guy was just as unhappy about this all as she was.

A bell chimed and Tissaia announced that their 5 minutes started. The guy's stomach grumbled loudly before he could even open his mouth and he laughed, his smile was surprisingly nice and it seemed it was genuine at least. "Did they also only give you juice and nothing else?" he mock whispered, they both knew their microphones would take every single word and amplify it but it was still fun to pretend they didn't.

Yennefer couldn't stop a small smile and nodded, "I think I haven't had mango juice since kindergarten."  
The bachelor, maybe she should get his name after all, beamed at her. "Not even the first minute over and we're already talking about your childhood!" he wiped away a tear that wasn't there, "I am so good at this." and he winked at her in a ridiculous manner.  
Yennefer really had to laugh now, this was too ridiculous to be mad about and she had decided to be part of it after all.

"If you don't stop, I'll fall madly in love in under five minutes. But I'm not a woman who pines, I'd just have to kidnap and hide you from everyone else until they stopped searching." Yen bit her tongue, she'd tried to be funny and instead sounded like a psychotic stalker. But the guy just laughed, even holding his belly.  
"Please do that, my complexion would benefit so much from a few weeks out of the sun."

The bell that told them their time was over chimed and Yennefer walked away, feeling lighter than before. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the evening was all contestants being ushered around by overworked assistants. They were shown their sleeping arrangements, no bunk beds thankfully this season, and Yennefer even had a nice view of the coast from her room. She wondered why there was a bowl of mangos in her room, this show had strange tastes but didn't question it further before she fell asleep. This day had been exhausting.

The next day they were all interviewed for the show and what they thought about the bachelor. Yennefer learned his name was Jaskier when the interviewer asked her if she could imagine living with him together and she burst out laughing at the ridiculousness. They'd talked for all but 5 minutes and these people expected her to plan her life around a man she barely knew? This wasn't some old time fairy tale.  
Yennefer was quite sure her interview wouldn't be aired that evening and was frankly fine with that. 

In the afternoon they had some free time and Yen saw more of the other contestants. There was no shortage of pretty people and if she had been inclined to flirt with strangers where her every move was watched by a camera, she would surely have chatted up a few people. A small part of her wondered how the producers would like to have an orgy on screen. She smirked, if she wasn't thrown out within the next few days, she'd think about that again.

In the evening it was again time for the bachelor to meet the contestants, this time it was in groups of six and they played basketball. It wasn't Yennefer´s preferred activity but she was thankful not to sit around bored anymore, so she had a bit of fun at least . When they were all sweaty and took a break, the bachelor, Jaksier, she reminded herself, approached her.   
"Would you like to walk with me?" he asked with a shy and hopeful smile that Yen knew the viewers would eat right up. The producer next to the camera nodded vigorously and Yennefer rolled her eyes but nodded.

They walked towards the beach, the sun was setting and it was the perfect view for a romantic date. Just that this didn't feel romantic at all. They were just walking side by side, enjoying the quiet and the respite from so many people around them at all times. Jaskier even held a hand over both their microphones and whispered to her that he had asked her out so he could get away for a moment without any expectations. 

Something warm bloomed in her chest to know this guy had seen her for five minutes and decided she was someone safe to be around and relax, that didn't happen very often to someone as intense as her.  
With the mic uncovered again he started to tell her about a guy named Valdo who'd apparently tried to sneak into his bedroom at night and given him quite a scare. The guy had apologized and told him it had been a misunderstanding but Yennefer was quite sure one of the producers had set him onto it.

They walked some more and talked about anything and nothing, Yennefer didn't want to release too much personal information when she didn't know what would be aired and Jaskier seemed content with it.   
He told her about his musical career and even sang for her a silly song that made her laugh. Then they argued about a book both had read but had gotten very different interpretations from and it was the most intellectually stimulating conversation she'd had in days. They parted after more than two hours with a smile.

The next day the interviewer didn't ask her such stupid questions again and Yennefer felt tentatively hopeful that if not romance she could find a friend here.

The first week was over and Yennefer had met Jaskier twice more but never alone. The show kept them all quite busy, what with having to get make-up and hair done for several hours, getting interviewed and people trying to incite drama where none was. Yennefer wondered how much screen time she would even get, sitting alone with a book most of the time.

It was Friday and over the weekend every contestant would get a three hour date with the bachelor. They were supposed to come up with something interesting and fun, something romantic and spectacular.  
Yen saw someone plan an air balloon ride and another person was apparently planning a date in the whirlpool (no clothes required). She was sure Jaskier would be well fed and very out of breath when the day was over. She had the 4th slot on the second day, late afternoon and right before the bachelor would choose who was allowed to stay and which participant(s) had to go.

She didn't need to think long until inspiration hit her. They had talked about a novel quite animatedly and Yennefer had always enjoyed the feeling a library gave her. To be surrounded by so much knowledge and long dead people, to know you could hide for weeks and not be bored, it was a very special feeling. Maybe not a romantic one but Yennefer thought Jaskier would appreciate it anyway.

So that's what she did, there was a beautiful old library from the old ages full of monsters and magic still in town, the architecture was a masterpiece and the city had taken utmost care to restore it to its original glory and not just put some metal shelves in and called it a day. Which was mostly due to Yennefer fighting for the restoration tooth and nail. She'd studied for college in those halls and slowly seen them fall apart. Once she'd had her degree, she had started writing petitions and rallying people, buttering up the nice ones and threatening the not so understanding ones until the City council had agreed and restored the library. It had been open for the public for some years now and Yennefer thought it could also only profit from the free advertising this show would give it.

Jaskier's mouth stood open in awe when Yennefer led him into the building, his eyes started to shimmer full of curiosity and wonder. "This is beautiful." he breathed and touched a shelf carefully. Yennefer smiled, maybe the first full smile she had allowed the camera to catch and led him around. They stopped at a small reading table with a stack of books, comfy chairs and some snacks that wouldn't stain.   
"No red wine and chocolate in here." she joked and saw him nod, "Thank the gods for that. I've been eating unhealthy "romantic" food all day. If I see one more chocolate strawberry after this weekend I might scream."   
Yennefer laughed, "I can only imagine."

She gestured towards the stack of books, "Go wild." and grabbed herself a book, one of her favourites. She wondered if this man who seemed so much more pleasant to be around than she had expected could stand to stay quiet and read or if the silence would become uncomfortable. Jaskier grabbed not any book but looked at each one carefully until he settled for a collection of old poems. He settled into a comfortable position easily and it was very apparent he felt as comfortable as Yennefer in the old seats the library provided.

They both read for some time, the producers must be steaming Yennefer thought with delight, this was certainly not something they could air easily. After a while Jaskier started humming and Yennefer looked up.

"Sorry." he blushed and hid his face behind the book.

"We're alone here, they closed the whole library for us, no need to be quiet."

"I know but I can't help but expect a strict librarian coming for me if I start singing."

"Not the first time that would have happened, I take it?" Yennefer smirked.

"Not even in the top 5." Jaskier laughed, shushing himself with such a dramatic gesture Yennefer started laughing instead. "I used to read in here all the time as a kid, wasn't that pretty then, though. I must have spent half of my childhood in this building." He looked up at the ceiling, eyes glassy with memories. "I think I got my first guitar training book here as well. I can't believe what they did with this building, it's breathtaking."

A warm flutter settled in Yen's chest, it was not often someone praised her hard work with such open admiration and almost childlike wonder.   
"Thank you." she answered, feeling unusually shy.  
"That was you?!" Jaskier's eyes shone in excitement, "I can't believe that was you, I heard about the issues they encountered with the historical association but would have never imagined you're that Yennefer of Vengerberg! Tell me everything. How did you manage to get Strego Corp. to cooperate?"

Yennefer settled down into her seat and talked about her work, the way she had fought for this and Jaskier did not look bored for even one moment, hanging onter her words like they were knowledge he'd been denied before. It was a heady feely, to be the center of attention for someone for such a long time. She talked for almost an hour and then they started talking about architecture and historical buildings all over town, Jaskier was surprisingly knowledgeable about many of them and told he had studied art history for some time with a blush.

When their allotted time was over, they both startled fiercely when an assistant interrupted them, both having forgotten about the cameras and the people watching them. Before they went back to the bachelor house, Jaskier asked quietly if he was allowed to take the book with him and Yennefer put it on the list of lent books at the counter.

When Jaskier had to choose which participant was allowed to stay and who had to go, it was not Yennefer and she fell asleep with the knowledge to have achieved her personal goal and the feeling she might have made a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did the whole library thing run away with me? Absolutely. I have feelings about libraries being neglected, okay? :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that the rating has changed! This is now an explicit fic with several pairings. See end notes for a short description of what happened if that’s not your jam but you want to know the ending.  
> Sorry, if this feels rushed or disjointed.

Yennefer was bored, utterly and irrevocably bored. After the „boring“ date as the producer had called it, they had sent her an assistant who tried to stir trouble, whose job it was to tell her stuff others had said about her and other gossip. She knew none of that was actually true, they just wanted more view and drama brought them. When that didn’t work the show just didn't give her any more screen time. The dates with Jaskier were few and far in between and there was a huge amount of doing nothing.

Out of pure spite to show she didn’t believe any of the „rumors“ and simple boredom, Yennefer started talking to the other participants. There was a hunk of a man with white hair and a brooding expression who didn’t talk much but listened attentively, an even burlier one with a scar in his face and a bashful smile, who liked to talk about books, an older male doctor, hair templed grey with a very distinguished aura, who liked to spend his time with an equally as grey man who had apparently led some kind of martial arts school, according to his clothing, they were both fantastic chess players. Then there was the little spitfire, a not so little man who exploded at every slight and the producers loved him for it, needling him even more than anyone else, Yennefer had trash talked the show with him a few times. A blond girl was often sitting at the pool, singing her songs, hoping she'd get them aired, her voice was nice, there also was a women with brown curls and bronze skin who liked to spend her days in the small greenhouse they were provided with, because „it was romantic“, Yen had talked a whole afternoon about special kind of Lilly she was looking for, and a female doctor with short red hair, who was very tough and fun to drink with.

Yennefer thought every single person she had met here was ridiculously attractive, even the older guys had an unquestionable aura around them and she knew she was just as attractive as them.  
Many of them were bored, the show had not been very exciting for almost two weeks now. They all only got predictable dates that were spent in small groups and Jaskier looked just as exhausted by it when the camera wasn’t pointing at him.

It was a warm evening, Yennefer was sitting in the whirlpool with Triss, the woman she had met in the greenhouse and started a tentative friendship with. Next to her was Priscilla, the singer with a sweet voice, humming a song she had written. Opposite sat Jaskier, Lambert, the spitfire, and broody Geralt.  
Yennefer looked at them all together in the pool, wearing nothing but bathsuits, the cameras were all pointed at them, taking in every curve and muscle.

Yennefer started to smile and Jaskier looked at her questioningly. He moved between her and Priscilla, pressed close to her arm.  
„You plan something. I’m in.“  
„You don’t even know what I was thinking.“ she laughed.  
„No, but I’ve seen this expression before, when you ditched that camera guy into the pool for filming your ass. You plan something gloriously chaotic and I am bored.“ Jaskier draped his arm dramatically over her shoulder. „I've also seen you ogle Geralt, not that I mind, I do too.“  
Yennefer turned around with a raised eyebrow and a cheeky grin, looking at Jaskier, „Think he'd want to be shared between us?“

Jaskier´s eyes lit up, „Only one way to know.“ he sauntered back through the pool, hanging onto Geralt's arm, whispering something into his ear. The man blushed visibly but also looked over at Yennefer with a speculative glance and nodded. She grinned at him like a cat who spotted the mouse and walked over slowly. Trying to walk sexy in a whirlpool that was big enough for 10 people wasn’t an easy feat but she thought she got it down fairly well.

Sitting down at Geralt´s other side, she wrapped her arm around his strong bicep and purred, „Do you want to play where nobody can see, or shall we put on a big show? Show them something they'll never be allowed to air?“ Jaskier cackled at that and Geralt thought for a moment before he pulled Yennefer on his lap, kissing her.  
„This is reality TV, let's give them what they came for.“ he growled and deepened the kiss. She kissed back enthusiastically, straddling his lap. Jaskier was sitting beside them and wrapped one hand into her hair while she could feel him do the same for Geralt.  
When Yennefer stopped the kiss to take a breath she saw Jaskier turn Geralt's face around and kiss him in turn. It was quite a nice view and Geralt‘s blush deepened. Meanwhile she started grinding her hips on the man's lap, feeling the bulge in his pants brush against her.

Geralt gasped for air and held onto Yen like he would fall without her anchoring him. Jaskier grinned into the kiss, wrapping his arm around them both. He must have jostled Lambert or maybe the spitfire just didn't like being left out. Before Yen knew it, a third male body was pressed at her.  
„I`m not going to miss the one fun thing that happens today.“ Lambert said but his eyes were clearly asking for permission, showing a vulnerability he would never voice. Yennefer turned her head around and kissed him, pulling him closer until Jaskier could wrap an arm around him.  
„We wouldn’t dream of leaving any willing participant out of this.“ the bachelor purred at the red head.

Yennefer looked at the two women across the whirlpool between two kisses with the three guys, she hadn’t even looked who she was kissing, just that they were all male and she wouldn’t mind a pair or two of soft lips in this. The two looked at them with wide eyes but Triss looked certainly curious and Priscilla licked her lips and looked like she would pounce them any minute.

Yennefer left Geralt, Jaskier and Lambert in a pile of limbs and tongues and beckoned the women closer. Priscilla walked over with a wide smile and kissed Yennefer without any further ado. The blond woman had soft lips and pressed all her curves at Yennefer`s body. Triss followed soon after, trailing her fingertips over Yennerfer`s skin while Priscilla kissed Triss` neck. The feeling of small soft hands on her skin and supple curves against her body were the perfect addition to the male bodies she’d just been pressed against.

While the guys were plenty busy and happy on their own, this was a group project and Yennefer turned towards them again. Soon she couldn't tell the hands on her body apart anymore. Some soft, some harder, small and big, all of them gentle. Her lips were busy kissing and suckling on skin, leaving marks that wouldn’t fade for days. She could feel three different people touching her at any time, someone was kissing her neck and someone else cupped her breast in their hand. Triss was looking into her eyes and kissed her deeply while Yenenfer had one hand on Jaskiers thigh and the other wrapped around Triss` waist. Priscilla was sitting on Lambert`s lap, grinding into him. Geralt and Jaskier were kissing and touching, alternating to other partners but getting pulled back to each other. Jaskier kissed Priscilla deeply when Geralt was standing behind him, sucking at his neck, grinding himself against Jaskier`s butt. 

The noises they all made were absolutely indecent and Yennefer knew the cameras were taking absolutely everything in. She also knew the company had a strict rule of „no genitals, no boobs“. She grinned into the closest camera and took off her bikini top. Jaskier saw her expression and understood. He was busily freeing Geralt from his trousers and Priscilla and Triss tried to undress each other while still kissing. Yen sat on Lambert`s lap, no clothes in between them anymore and grinned at him.  
„Having fun big boy?“ she raised an eyebrow and got a dirty grin back.  
„That`s how this fucking show should have always been.“ he growled back.

Yennefer moved her hips and Lambert`s eyelashes fluttered. He groaned and she moved again, enjoying the feeling of a hard muscled body fully at her mercy. Next to her Jaskier was kissing Geralt, the white haired man sitting in his lap. They were rubbing at each other with small groans. Triss and Priscilla used their hands and mouths in the best of ways and Yennefer made a mental note to join them later. They alternated partners and then they all came together again, Yennefer pulled Triss on her lap, kissing the bronze skin with Priscilla sitting next to them, touching them both. Lambert and Geralt kissed in a way that resembled a fight but Jaskier was easily between them, calming and steering their energy towards more pleasurable activities.  
Then Yennefer pulled Geralt closer, sitting on his lap, making his eyelids flutter and grasping for hold on her hips. Jaskier stood behind her, kissing her neck and Geralt`s mouth over her shoulder.

Yennefer didn`t know how long it took for a producer to come running and shout at them to stop, to put clothes on and go home. All six of them were quite literally thrown out of the show. And with that the whole season died, since they had thrown out their bachelor.

Renfri laughed so hard when Yen told her about it, she had tears in her eyes.

A week later:  
On Yen`s phone appeared a text from Jaskier, „Priss is playing tonight? Wanna come? Spitfire and Broody will be there.“ Yennefer agreed and texted back she`d ask Triss, who was still fast asleep in Yen`s bedroom. This show didn't end how she had expected but it certainly had ended with a bang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Yennefer had achieved her goal of surviving the first round and was bored. In the whirlpool she decided to make out with Jaskier and Geralt. A few other people there saw and wanted to join. They took off their clothes, so the show would not be allowed to air any of what happened and had a big group make out session. They were all thrown out of the show for it, Jaskier included.


End file.
